November 18, 2020: Lock Down

from my window,
I watched the spring, then summer and fall
pass.
and I sit quiet and waiting for it to blow through. one year
I waited,
turned 36, single since that one woman. I was barely 35.
it’s really been that long.

it could be that
I read too much, but I hear death tap at the window
when I look away. I think, if
I watch and wait, I’ll see it before it gets too close.
I’ll leave the house then, when it’s had enough
of my looking and watching the world pass
and it finally opens the window and reaches for me.

that’s when I’ll leave the house,
when it’s almost too late.
I’ll see it coming from here,
though.
I can see it out in the yard now,
but it’s only looking.
it’s waving, so I wave back.
“hello, death.”

I waste these final fleeting moments of my youth
staring out at a world that presents little danger for me.
certainly for some people, but little for me.
death waves because I sit,
and like an idiot, I sit and wave back.

I just have to wait a little longer, they say.
36 is still young, and they say I look late 20s, early 30s.
that’s pretty good, but my hairs going and I still want my year back.

let me out, god dammit!