detox tea

yesterday I walked into the grocery,
took a bottle of milk
and went home and drank it alone on the couch.
and I told my bartender I was starving.
he gave me a bag of pretzels.
and then yesterday I got word from South Dakota:
big job on the 24th, so I blew my rent in on a weekend bender.
there’s assholes in the world and I’m one of them,
and there are plenty more out there beside me, so
I blow in my rent on South Dakota benders on the off chance that one of ‘em ain’t me

I blew my rent in on a weekend bender.
it was three days late so I blew it in on resentment
for shitty tenants.
there was a big job late this month.
his bills and mine will still be there with the resentment when I get back
from my three day drunk.
he better have my rent on time
or I’ll blow my payday in on big wheeled vehicles and my girlfriend’s detox tea and her mentholated cigarettes

stupid american factory worker…
I see it everyday.
I bought him a shot to console him,
a consolatory shot.
we talked about the world going to shit,
and we talked about how the world is on fire.
“a shit fire”. that made him laugh.
that’s alright. it’s good to see somebody laugh when
everybody’s angry and filled with shit fire.
what a payday.
amirite?
he went home and never came back.
I hope he changed his life, so
I don’t have to talk about that stupid american one he’s living anymore.
…I mean,
I don’t know. I hope that’s what he did.
I mean, christ. I’m just a bartender.
a drunk is a drunk for a reaso — they
should really pay us more,
anyways.

yesterday I got drunk because my wife left me.
that’s all.
this is my life now.
somebody will pay.
I hope it isn’t me
because I have a lot to come back from
with very little to come back to.
I just hope I don’t keep paying for
hope
the way other people pay for
what?
the way other people pay for what…?
what do other people
do?
when they pay too much for other people?
you think
free will exists but it doesn’t
because if it did, I would have picked something different.

they want me to pick up the pieces for the backend while I’m still trying to pick up the pieces from the front end disaster that wound me up here wondering about the back.

free love
or love for free
at least you get what you wanted even if it’s not about what you have
after

I don’t know what this means or how it’s all connected but at least I’m only drinking detox tea while I write it.

now, anyways —
now, that’s all I drink.

you have to start somewhere,
that is, if you want to start at all.